Thanks in part toloreleiskye and mairegirl , their posts yesterday reminded me just why I have this journal, and why I should try to get back to using it again.
I blame my lack of posting mostly to a combination of Facebook, and having a rather spectacularly bad year, where the lows have managed to thoroughly steam-roll the few extraordinary highs there have been. It’s made it rather difficult to muster the energy—or willpower—necessary to write, except for the typical short and often cryptic one-liner “sound bites” of life that Facebook thrives on. Should I ever start to Tweet—send help immediately—I’ll have completely lost it.
I’ve weathered the majority of the storm, though, and although there are a couple menacing clouds still out there that could potentially do a lot of damage, I’m hoping for the best.
One small ray of somewhat sickly light through the clouds recently, however, and the one triggered by L’s & M’s posts to write about, was making the very difficult decision to finally throw a toxic crewmember of my own over the side, a few weeks ago.
As a good captain, I did my best to parlay, though, offering the benefit of the doubt; extending a hand; reexamining my own place and understanding; looking the other way; etc., but in the end, the hurt of the original betrayal of my trust, the complete lack of honest remorse or regret, the continued lies, and the attempts to manipulate and coerce, made any reconciling utterly impossible.
I’ve never done this as plainly before, either, but after struggling with it for some time, I opted for being direct and completely honest, and told the person exactly what my thoughts and observations were, why so, and goodbye—with good wishes and a hope to someday get a clue.
From their four word response, however, I doubt that will ever happen.
I hated doing it, I hated having to do it, and I don’t ever want to have to do it again, but quite literally, like the cliché, it felt like a weight was removed from my shoulders—I should have done this much sooner.
This person proved themselves a liar, dishonest, discourteous, rude, greatly self-serving, and insidiously manipulative—and continues to be so—admittedly. Charisma is a dangerous tool in the wrong hands.
Unfortunately, due to associations, the person will still be “around,” and there is always the potential for fall out, or even continued subversive behavior on their part, but it had to be done.
Life is just too short to suffer a fuck-wit like this.
Anyway, I hope to find the time and energy to post here again more frequently, and thanks again toloreleiskye and mairegirl , for inadvertently clearing out the cobwebs for me—I really needed to get this off my chest.